Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Back To Ft. Stewart

Earlier this week I spent another couple of days at Ft. Stewart working with CAROLINE and some of the other dogs.  The trip down started off pretty good, and then went down hill fast.  I'm not sure what happened that made my mood change so drastically, but a little more than half way there I had had enough. I felt like I was going to explode.  By the time we got to Ft. Stewart I was trying so hard to just keep myself together that I really wasn't able to function.  The plan was to go to the PX, but I just didn't think that I would be able to hold it together to make the trip.  Terry, although reluctant, let me go back to the hotel to try to relax and to spend some time with CAROLINE.  She was really excited when I got there, and Kyria told me to try and wear her out because she was going to dinner with us that night.

CAROLINE has this ball that she just loves.  It makes these goofy noises when it moves, and she thinks it is the best thing that has ever been.  When I got back to the hotel room, I laid in bed with her, and just tried to calm back down.  I gave her the ball and let her play with it, but ended up spoiling her, and all she wanted was to play with that ball.  Even though it was a mistake to let her have it for so long, it really did make me feel better to see her so happy.  She figured out that if you move it, it will make this strange noise.  She started batting it around with her paws and nose.  She got so excited, and was rolling around on the bed knocking the ball around.

I put the ball up before we went to dinner, and all she could think about was getting that ball.  I hid it in a drawer and she figured out where it was and tried to get into the drawer.  I moved it to my Mom's room, and she figured out where it was and tried to get it.  The ball had been in my Mom's purse, and she kept going back and forth from where I had hid it to my Mom's purse trying to get that ball back. 

We went to dinner, and CAROLINE was perfect.  Kyria took her in, and she had CAROLINE, and she couldn't have behaved any better.  Dinner wasn't as stressful as I had thought it would be, and I did ok.    We went back to the hotel, and all CAROLINE could think about was that stupid ball.  She wouldn't listen to me, and was very difficult.  It was like she was mad at me for taking it away from her, and she spent a couple of hours going back and forth between my Mom's room and my room looking for the ball.  Eventually she mellowed out and got on the bed with me and relaxed. 

The next day we went to the PX to work a little with JAKE and CORRINA.  I took CORRINA for a lap around the PX, and it was pretty amazing to see how a dog can take all of my focus.  When I didn't have the dog I was on alert.  I have a very difficult time being out in public, I just don't feel safe.  I'm always just waiting for something to happen, and my head was on a swivel when I didn't have CORRINA.  I get migraines when I get stressed out, and felt one starting before we got to the PX.  I have myself a shot, and it was perfect timing.  Within 30 minutes my migraine was gone.

The trip home was really good for me and my Mom.  I talked a lot to her about why I feel and think the way I do.  I talked to her about my issues with trust, and what has shaped my beliefs as a result of Iraq.  I talked about the direction I was headed, and even though I have a hard time looking at the positive, I do see myself headed in the right direction.  I feel that everything that has happened to my has happened for a reason.  The experiences that I have had have shaped me into the person that I have become, and I will continue to grow and hopefully be able to help the next person who comes along.  I'm not sure what the plan for me is, but I feel that after all that has happened, it was meant for me to try to help others.