Monday, August 30, 2010

A Day In The Life

It seems like I have not written on my blog in forever, which means it has been too long.  There has been quite a lot happening with me these last couple of weeks.  After my last entry, I took a few steps backwards, started isolating and avoiding any contact.  I ended up having a migraine that lasted for a couple of days, and those always wear me out.  It was my first migraine in quite a while, but probably the worst I have ever had.

I have come out of my slump, and started back with the weekly activities.  I continue to go out to dinner with my parents on Thursday nights, and last Thursday we ran into my Aunt, Uncle, and little cousin.  As many of you are aware, I have a very difficult time being around children.  I was pretty anxious, and backed myself in a corner so that I could see their table and the rest of the restaurant.  He has got to be one of the happiest kids I have ever seen, and that has become quite foreign to me.  Seeing someone who has no cares in the world, thinks that everyone and everything is just the most amazing thing in the world is just something I have a very difficult time relating to.  I think the positive that came out of that meeting was that I see it is possible to be happy, joyous, and free.  Even if it is just for a few seconds at a time, that is a start. 

One of the chores that I have added to my routine is to cut the grass.  I ended up flaking out of it one week, but a few days later I was out on the lawn mower taking laps around our yard.  I kept thinking to myself, "How am I gonna do this with CAROLINE?"  The umbilical portion with CAROLINE and a riding lawn mower is definitely gonna present new challenges. 

I was able to make a couple of meetings last week, and ended up getting very uncomfortable at both of them.  The meeting that I went to on Friday was pretty bad.  I had that feeling of impending doom, and just started crawling out of my own skin.  I was feeling as if I was on the verge of a wild explosion.  So, instead of trying to work through it, I bailed.  Typical for me, and something that I have got to start working more on.  It just seems like I get to a place where I get to the point of no return.  Instead of using the skills that Kevin and I have talked about, I let my mind start to work.  When that happens, it just snowballs, and something very minor becomes something very major in a matter of seconds.  Then I get paranoid, and my hypervigilance kicks in, and all of the sudden everyone in the crowd is a threat.  What is this person doing, what is that person doing, why are they staring at me, why are they leaving their sucks. 

Sunday I went to my usual meeting, and had another difficult time.  This meeting used to be very small, and everyone knew each other very well.  I have been going to this meeting for nearly 4 years and it has grown quite a bit.  The original idea was for the meeting to have my sponsor and they people they sponsored attend, but it has expanded to any man who wants to come.  That is great, and that is awful.  The new people don't know much about what I am going through, and my "safe" seat has been taken over.  I used to sit at the corner of the table so that I could see everyone, now that I don't sit there I am having to find a new spot.  I have talked to the group about having a hard time with people sitting behind me, and the majority of folks know that.  When I walked into the meeting on Sunday, my sponsor asked me how I was doing when he saw the number of people there.  Without thinking, my response was, "Well I hope I don't choke anyone."  The people that know me got a laugh out of it, the people that don't kinda went bug eyed.  I was able to find a seat, but by the end of the meeting, I had unknowingly backed that chair up as far in the corner as I could.  I did make it through the entire meeting, which I think is pretty huge.

Today I did something new.  I have a cousin that lives next door to me, and they have a Lab.  While they are at work, I am going to start going over and spending some time with her.  Today was my first day doing that.  When I got in the house and let her out, she was extremely stressed out.  She knows me, but kept looking around for Chris and Karen.  I just spent some time talking to her, and letting her do her own thing as she warmed up to me.  I really wanted to take her outside, but I could not find a leash, and just didn't feel comfortable going outside with her for the first time with no leash.  She is somewhat of a licker, and she was shedding like crazy.  I was completely and totally covered in hair.  She did begin to relax some, and even laid down next to me and let me rub her belly for a few minutes.  I spent about 30 minutes with her, and that was great.  It really made me miss CAROLINE, and really has me looking forward to my trip to Charlotte next week.