It's been an interesting last couple of weeks. I have been struggling to maintain, and to do what Terry has asked. I was able to go to dinner about a week ago with my Grandmother, and my brother came over to the house for my birthday dinner. I have not made as many meetings as I would have liked to attend, but I am still continuing to attend the Sunday morning meeting, and the group and individual sessions at the Vet Center. I have been making pretty regular trips to the grocery store to pick up random items, and that is getting much easier. I also have had a few appointments at the VA, and have gotten some news concerning my health which I am pretty worried about.
I hit a little road block last week when I was at my individual session with Kevin. I was pretty stressed, and was supposed to cut the grass later that afternoon. I am not really sure what happened, but I went way out into left field, got really anxious, and was on the verge if an anxiety attack. When I got back home, I probably should have gone ahead and cut the grass, but instead I basically shut down and just went up to my room. I have been going to dinner every Thursday night with my parents, and last week we went and got some BBQ.
I was able to get out and cut the grass yesterday, and had a fairly easy time with it. That is becoming one of my new chores. Before my anxiety got really bad, I was doing some yard work on a fairly consistent basis, making trips to places like Walmart and Best Buy. I am slowly trying to work back into that routine.
One of the things that I have been struggling with the last couple of weeks has been my identity. I have spoken about this in group, with my sponsor, and with Kevin. Lately I have been feeling like I have been stripped of who I am. When I was in the Army, I had purpose, direction, I was doing something that I was proud of, and something that had meaning. If I were allowed, I would go back to Iraq or Afghanistan without hesitation. I feel like that has been taken from me. I have walked the path of a warrior, and even though that experience can not be taken from me, I can not go back to it. It is depressing and discouraging. I tried for the longest time to not go through a Med Board, and after a series of events, I was basically told that I would have to proceed with one.
I just got back from group, the first part of this I typed before I left. I talked to the group today about how I am feeling. It seems to be pretty universal that most people would go back if they had the chance. Another topic that was brought up in group was, why do you have to let that part of you go? No, I can't go back, but that does not mean that I have to let that aspect of my life fade away. I can build on my experiences instead of thinking that I am losing something. Easier said than done, I think. It all comes down to fear for me, fear of losing something I have, or not getting what I want. If I can begin to build on my experiences, and enrich my life in other areas, share my experience with others, then maybe I can take more steps forward in my recovery.
